A Brief Description of Depression: Wooden Wheel

Ring o’ ring o’ roses… Ring o’ ring o’ roses…
Ring o’ ring o’ roses…
Ring o’ ring o’ roses…

It’s dark behind the lids. The clouds are blacker than night and they stick like tar melted to the eyeballs. The brain is numb and the tears blotch the skin and every day they sit on the chest and whisper and snarl, and laugh and sneer. And they bounce and jump and flop and loll. They wear dark grey suits and never walk alone. Instead they catch a ride on the first poor soul who stops, who only too late understands the ignorance and apathy of the others as they choke from the dangling bodies now swinging around the neck.

The definition of maybe is never. Weight and daggered tongues press against the skin and flesh and bones, and the saliva eats through all like acid. Decrepit and insane, the feast is only just beginning as the chains close around tendons and wood and the cries are choked and strained and ignored. And the spinning…

Ring o’ ring o’ roses…
Ring o’ ring o’ roses…
Ring o’ ring o’ roses…
Ring o’ ring o’ roses…

The wheel never stops; it just keeps turning, and turning, and turning… The angle of the spine is excruciating and the shoulder blades dig into the hard wood; bone dowels mated to the circumference, and the hot sweated glue locks it air tight. The carvings deepen with each turn; the dancing of fire illuminates the crazed red eyes and the skin melted off to reveal the bloody flesh and the wide maw opens and closes as shrieks of psychotic joy leave through its teeth.

The axle screeches its miserable tune as the cackling continues…

The fog is thick and the hands are cold as they close around both wrists and slam them into the hard dirt. A crash and a shriek are drowned by the roars of monstrous laughter and the cracking of ribs as the weight increases and blood rushes out in streams of ruby wonder.

Its heat soon dissipates; as do the memories of good times in which smiles were wide and pearls glistened in the golden rays of the sun. As do the hopes and pleas and the nails that bite into the wood and splinter, and the limbs that struggle and strain and fight, and the tears that glistened and fell and the thoughts of conquer and prevalence. All of them: gone.

The dark darkens and the light ceases to have ever had a meaning.

Source: Kevin Casper

Improving one’s self

So since I have taken a year out of university, I am working on improving myself in whatever way I can so that when I go back for my third and final year I’ll be in the best shape I can be physically and mentally.

As you all know I suffer from anxiety and depression, and everyone knows that the best cure for these is a combination of healthy eating and exercise. And I’m going all out: I’ve swapped most coffees for peppermint and nettle tea, I’m eating more fruit and veg, and I’m lucky enough to have a fitness freak for a housemate so I’ve started going running with him.

In fact I went running with him today along with my other housemate, and WOOOOO, those endorphins were rushing through my bloodstream like crazy antelope. An hour after finishing our run, I was asked if I’d taken drugs, because I was hiiiiiigh.

On endorphins. Just to clarify.

I’m also working on improving my brain, because it’s never too late to do that. So I’ve signed up for Lumosity where you can give different areas of your brain a workout online, and bought a Brain Boosting book by Parragon for tips on how I can study and use my brain more efficiently. I have a long way to go – at least 144 pages – but I’m going to get there.

I’m trying to write more as well, but unfortunately my laptop has decided that now is a good time to die, and so the few blog posts I had lined up I no longer have access to, and if I need a computer I have to go to the university library. I guess that bit works out better though – it gets me out of the house and I’m more likely to study if I have to go to the library all the time.

I had a job interview last week with a motorsport company for the role of a trainee thread rolling engineer (believe it or not, cutting threads is a highly skilled job), and the company were really impressed by me and invited me to have a trial day which I took to like a duck to water. However, since I’d be going back to university next year and they’re looking for someone permanent, they’re a bit unsure about hiring me. I really want this job; it’s perfect for me and I’ve told them that I’d be able to do evenings and weekends when I go back to uni and I’d be happy to go back once I’ve graduated, so it’s just a matter of waiting to see how my opponent for the role does in his trial, and hopefully getting a phone call saying I have the job. I’m trying to stay positive.

I believe it’s important to always try to improve oneself, not in appearance but in self-worth and ability. Whether that’s by reading a book every day or learning a new language or facing a fear, every little bit helps to result in a better you, and that’s a goal we should all strive to meet.

Are you trying to improve yourself? If so, how?

Keep smiling!

Claire

Struggling doesn’t make you a failure

I’m suspending my course at uni, and instead I will be sitting my second year exams this time next year. I guess you can say I’m having a gap year.

The reason for this is because I’ve been feeling less and less like me, more like a shadow. I miss the old Claire – always so bubbly and motivated – and I’m going to spend the next year finding her.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and I know it’s the right decision for me. I just need the time to find me and fall back in love in engineering again. Lately I’ve been in a dark place with no light at the end of the tunnel; it’s time to get out.

Ever since I got my first C during A levels (it was a huge shock to me since I’m usually a straight A student), I’ve been going down a deep, dark hole which I’m finding impossible to get out of. I’ve always had really bad anxiety when it comes to exams, but it’s only gotten worse, and my friends and family – and members of staff I’ve spoken to at university – all agree that I am not well enough to sit these exams.

I have thought about this long and hard for months. I’ve not been enjoying uni at all; in fact I’ve hated it since the middle of first year. What was stopping me from deciding this earlier was the daft idea that quitting uni or suspending my studies would mean I would fail in life – and the one thing I fear more than anything else is failure.

It’s something that is implied at school from a very young age. If you don’t go to university and get a degree, you will never get anywhere in life. And it infuriates me that we are made to feel like that, because university isn’t for everyone. Some people learn better doing a more practical vocational course. Others are more suited to doing an apprenticeship or internship. Some don’t even know what they want to do with their lives yet. So what’s the point in spending £9000 a year on some random course just for the sake of making the education system happy that they have another number to add to their statistics?

Schools need to start teaching pupils that taking a year out to have a break from education or to figure out what they actually want to do in life is okay, and it doesn’t mean you’re going to fail in life. I wish I’d taken a year out before going to university just so I could take a breather and get myself back on track because I was a mess during A levels. I was starting to doubt myself a lot, and a 12 months’ break then maybe would have benefited me.

Then again, I can look upon this situation in a more positive light. If I had taken a year out then, I probably wouldn’t be friends with the amazing people I know today. I probably wouldn’t have a job at the hotel I wait on, and thus I would never have had an internship at Vulcan To The Sky Trust, which I absolutely love doing.

I guess this was the path that I had to stumble upon. But I want my generation and future generations to learn that it’s okay to take a break. You’ve been in some form of education from the age of four or five. That is a heck of a long time meeting deadlines and cramming for exams. Is it really any wonder that some of us forget that life is supposed to be fun?

A lot of people don’t need to take a year out. They graduate from university at 21 or 22 and perhaps even go on to do a PhD. Good for them, I say. But not everyone is suited for that path, and that needs to be understood by us – and by the schools that try to force us to follow the crowd.

I can tell you that I will get my degree…just not next year as we had planned. But I’m okay with that, because it’s right for me.