As some of you know, I was all psyched for the summer since I would be in Mumbai for two months doing an internship with a magazine I had an article published in (to read the article click here
). Unfortunately, that seems to have fallen through. I’m just glad I hadn’t bought my plane tickets yet; luckily my mother and I were a little apprehensive, and alas it seems we were right to be. I keep thinking to myself:
What if I had tried harder to keep in contact with the editor? What if I had been less patient and more persistent for information? What if I had been less naive that it would all go as planned? A whole army of ‘what if’s float around in my head, and it sucks. I was going to have the best for once. For once it was going to be me boasting about what I did during the summer, and for once it was going to be my friends gawping and feeling sick with jealousy.
Maybe I’m still too childish, and maybe that’s why my summer plans fell through. Maybe there is a God, and He was going to give me a chance, only I proved Him wrong and that I was not deserving of such a grown-up sort of responsibility. Maybe He’s trying to protect me from myself.
I’ve often wondered why I sometimes act so immature. Sure, some things in my past meant that I had to try and grow up quickly, but why is it that after the problem left I appeared to become less mature? Am I trying to make up for lost time? I guess I’d rather not use that excuse: that excuse is reserved for broken families, not our family that had a spare part we needed rid of. I once thought maybe my immaturity is due to dyspraxia. After all I’m quite hyper and fidget a lot, I suck at throwing and catching, and I’ve always been rather slow at writing… But after doing some research I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.
I can act mature; it’s just I seem to choose not to. Or maybe it’s just all in my head. I should ask a friend, but I’m scared that they might not be honest…or maybe they’ll be too honest.
Which leads me to uni. To be honest, I’m not doing that well at uni. Sure, I’ve handed in and done well at assignments, I’ve attended most lectures, and I even hired a tutor to help me with MATLAB and Maths. But I’ve still let myself down. Exams started this week, and to be honest, they’re not going very well. I doubt I’ll pass. I always stress so badly during the exam period, even more so than when I was doing my GCSEs. Not to mention my motivation levels have been running on empty, hence my lousy papers that my poor professors have to mark. I can imagine them sighing as they think they hold the exam papers of a lazy partying nitwit who hasn’t turned up to a lot of lectures and spent most of their time drinking or being hungover, and it sucks because it’s not the case. To be honest, I found it difficult. Really difficult. I didn’t want to go to uni, I was forced, and I found a lot of the lectures either boring or challenging. And – stupid me – I decided the best way to handle it was to bury my head in the sand for the majority of the year, watching the clock as I waited for each hour to pass and for each day to end.
You’re probably thinking now, “Well if you fail then you’ve got what you wanted. Shouldn’t you be happy?” and I wish that was the case. But I’m torn. I don’t want to stay because I’m hating uni what with the stress of exams and education as a whole, but I do want to stay because if I leave I’ll be back to being surrounded by fake friends again. Yes, I’ve made friends. A lot of great friends who I love with all my heart. Sure, I have one or two friends I have kept in contact with from high school, and I hope to stay in contact with them for a lot longer. But these guys…I love them so much. I can trust them to not let me down, and I can trust them to not bring me down either. I feel close to every single one of them. We’re honest with each other and I can feel my guard lowering. But if I leave uni like I want, I’ll be leaving them too. Do I really want to do that?
Without my results, I can only guess that I have two options: I can quit university, or I can resit modules – or the whole year – and continue. Maybe things will be better next year. Maybe, because I’ll be in a house with friends who want to do well I’ll find it easier to stay motivated and revise, something I’ve found difficult in a house full of students who get drunk and rowdy nearly every night.
Sometimes things just don’t work out, and I guess that has to be okay. Right now, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do, but as soon as I work it out I’ll let you guys know. In the meantime, keep smiling.